emotional intelligence with horses

 by Nancy

In The Moment

“A horse lives in the present.”

We get caught up in the past and can easily be swayed by what the future holds. A horse is only concerned with what is happening in the moment. As a leadership learning partner, they provide the opportunity for us to see the importance of being present with those we are with.

I spent fifteen years of my career as a project manager. I traveled a lot, worked with a variety of different clients and had to coordinate many different types of people and services. I admit I was guilty of believing I was a great multi-tasker. I thought I was brilliant at handling many things at once, what I now know is our brain is actually only capable of handling one thing at a time. Something David Eagleman explains in his book “Incognito – The Secret Lives of the Brain”. Fortunately the number of things our brains can process is huge allowing us to handle multiple activities concurrently, but we can only focus on one thing at a time.

A horse helps us see how important that is, a learning I have now received many times over. Rhys simply happens to be the best horse at noticing when my attention has drifted for that split second. A skill he demonstrated at a recent program, when a participant shared her learning in a debrief.

“Rhys gets easily bothered if you micro-manage him.” she shared, “when I assume I am in control, he takes over. If I default to managing him by holding the lead shorter, he gets pushy. When I am consistent in defining my boundaries and he is clear on what he can do, he settles down and is really easy to work with.”

Highly sensitive Rhys has become a brilliant teacher in The Natural Leader programs quickly assessing the leadership style of those with him. He can become over reactive with the command control individual, a bully with the pushover and an absolute lap dog with those who recognize he can be a brilliant performer with the right support.

To a horse “Everything means something” Rhys simply demands that you focus on what is happening in the moment and that you adjust to fit the situation. He is very aware of input even when you may not be. Rhys makes it perfectly clear that you should only focus on one thing at a time and helps you recognize what effective communication looks like.

Rhys is just one of the learning partners I have the pleasure of being with everyday. Each horse offers something new even if it is just that reminder to be present. That is what voice mail is for.

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 by Nancy

Leadership, Horsemanship & Yoga

On about the twentieth downward dog of the class my mind started to drift. It could have been the heat of the room causing me to consider places I would rather be or simply it was the only position that allowed blood to my head. My transitions were getting slower, the hop your feet forward was more like a drag and time was slowing.

Despite that image I enjoy yoga – it helps maintain a strong core and good balance, I have to focus on breathing and yoga is another opportunity to push my limits. As I seek the feel of lengthen and shift I can’t miss the fact they are principals that apply to my leadership journey and elements that impact my horsemanship. Yoga, horsemanship or leadership it is all about me.

My first reaction was to stop, when my dog Lilly caused Rhys to bolt*. In an instant it became clear stopping was not an option but Ray Hunt’s words “I can ride a horse as fast as he can run.” seemed plausible. With all the time in the saddle and experience I have gained I let go of my first thought, I knew I could ride it out. Nature sets these events up well, as oxygen got the better of Rhys before we hit the end of the field so we slowed to a lope, trot then walk with little effort on my part. The remainder of the ride was quite pleasant once my heart slowed down and my left foot stopped shaking.

Leadership, horsemanship or yoga is about preparing yourself for how you will handle yourself when the going gets tough. Rhys has always suggested that he might bolt. When concerned Rhys locks down his tail and it feels like something is trying to grab him from behind, so what happened was a case of when. The more we test our relationship and trust for each other through longer and more varied rides the less often the ya buts occur.

In the back of my mind there has always been that question “What if?”. Self talk brings on self doubt, ironically words spoken by one of Calgary’s few female corporate leaders at a recent luncheon. She stated that self-doubt is one of the greatest limiting factors women bring on themselves in attaining leadership status in the corporate world. Believing that I would survive through the ride was all I needed, the rest was the knowledge and skill I have spent years developing.

Just as the yoga instructor is calling to us to push ourselves see if you can hold the pose just one more breath. Leadership and horsemanship is about that one breath bringing us places we never saw ourselves before. If you have read past newsletters you might recall that Rhys is often featured. While I love a quiet uneventful ride, I am always preparing myself and my horse for the what ifs.

We learn the most about ourselves from our challenging experiences, or at least we have that opportunity. I have learned more about myself, my horsemanship and my leadership through a decision way back when that “One of us had to change.”

*bolt in this context is a mad dash with little control as to direction or speed

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 by Nancy

Getting out of my own way

Reflecting on her goals from the day a participant of a recent Leadership: Horse Sense to People Smarts, session suggested that her confidence in dealing with difficult conversations and conflict in her team, improves “when I get out of my own way”. It was one of those comments that could have been my theme statement for the month! Getting out of my own way relates to both my horsemanship and business.

Watch a horse at play in the field and you will witness rollbacks, spins, levades, piaffes and counter canters with the greatest of ease. If a horse can execute these tasks without us, why is it so hard to achieve the same when we ask it of them? It is one of the most common and most difficult questions to answer, it always depends, and it always comes down to getting out of the horses way.

What I have come to understand about how we learn is we are often only prepared to hear what we need at that moment in time. Effortlessly galloping across the open prairie, horses mane and tail flying is typically the first image that comes to mind for those wishing to learn how to ride. Yet when they first get on that dream disappears and fear takes over. Whether it is fear of falling off or fear of failing, it is the emotion that can hold us back.

When fear grips us our first reaction is to hold our breath – the exact opposite of what we need to do. At a recent HRAC event, Shawne Duperon talked of the fear reaction we often experience when meeting new people. She calls the conscious action of breathing the Cycle of Reciprocity – you breathe to help the other person relax and breathe, breaking the tension that might exist.

It is exactly the same tension that shows up between horse and rider. While I often say there are only 5256 things you need to remember when on your horse, I make clear there is only one thing you must begin with and that is to breathe. It is the same thing I repeat often in our leadership programs. When people become conscious about a completely non-conscious action, breathing, they begin to realize the control they can exercise over their own emotions.

I love it when you identify something in a different context to see our own patterns of behaviour that may limit us. Horses benefit from clearly defined patterns of repetition. While I find huge comfort in the routine horses offer, I also see how it is a behaviour I have used as an excuse for the activities that are outside of my comfort zone.

Starting a business was totally outside my comfort zone and as I learned way beyond what I thought I knew. I have remained focused and intent on succeeding with my business and I have learned a lot through the process. I am also now painfully aware of my own short comings, but in a good way as I can choose to do differently. What is curious is the clarity comes as I hear others struggle with the same questions.

So this past month getting out of my own way has lead to many revelations, changes and new projects. I will soon be releasing my next workbook for people interested in learning with horses – In Business to Define; I have already confirmed 10 programs for 2012 and have a new partner in lining up business to fill in other dates.

As I learn to really listen to what it is I need I am finding it easier to let others help out so The Natural Leader succeeds. So thank you to everyone for waiting patiently as I figured that out!

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 by Nancy

How Hard Can It Be?

That had to be my thought as I picked the colt out of the pen, a nice looking, well put together red dun. I was told he was maybe three or four but there was no touching him to confirm such a guess. I paid for a “belt” according to the register receipt. We drove him through the loading chute and into the trailer, he was now my project.

Getting him out of the trailer and into a stall was also relatively easy – open one door, then the other and in a flash he was in the barn. In a matter of hours his world had been turned upside down, the horse was literally vibrating in the stall. My expectation was let him calm down, feed him, shower him with love and surely he will come around.

After a couple of days in the stall it was not getting less dangerous to handle him, he made it clear he had no intention of letting me near. The slightest move on my part ran through him like a bolt of electricity. Having started numerous younger horses I admit maybe this one was a little more than I had anticipated and prepared for. Not a fan of keeping a horse in a box I decided to put him into the smaller paddock. With space to move he would not feel so trapped so connecting should be easier and safer.

What followed was a series of days where I had to concoct ingenious ways to get him from one location to the other – I still couldn’t touch him. I also began to fully appreciate why one should design their pens, paddocks and round pens on paper first. It was through this process that his name came to me – everything was about doing things in very small pieces, there was no rushing anything and giving him time to process requests was something I had to allow. He was the colour of peanut butter so Rhys’ pieces he became.

After a few days of panicked departures and abrupt turns he was starting to slow down, wait and look to me. I was not, after all, trying to kill him.

Years later we have come to an agreement and I admit it has not been an easy ride. I had to decide that one of us must change. Together we had a few really tough days, we both survived because I stopped worrying about failing. He still has his ya-buts, is quick to point out an inconsistency in my behaviour and finally is willing to give something an honest try. Rhys may not be able to hold it together through a new experience but he looks to me for the support and confidence he lacks.

My experience with Rhys is the perfect parallel to what starting a new business has been like. I took on something few would, started a process where my previous experience seemed all but irrelevant and suffered numerous bumps and bruises along the way. The learning I have gained from both is about me, how I manage change, approach adversity, develop a perspective on the odds, handle frustration or fear of failing.

Whether starting a new business or a horse they require tenacity, an unwavering belief you can learn something new, a steadfast willingness to learn from mistakes unyielding optimism and time. Neither are something you can short cut to the finish. Both are about developing awareness, relationships and trust. So I am thrilled to report like my experience with Rhys, The Natural Leader is doing better than ever this year.

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 by Nancy

“Emotional intelligence is not something we consider when things are going well but it is something we need when they are not.”

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 by Nancy

Fuel for Desire

You can cover a lot of topics in a six hour drive, it was however a conversation about risk that has lingered. The idea that something to be avoided by one individual is fuel for desire in another.

I previously explored the notion of intrinsic or extrinsic reward in The Motivation to Change recognising that which motivates one individual might not apply to another. Risk taking has both intrinsic and extrinsic value. The ability to take a risk is always identified as an important leadership quality, yet it is more often than not viewed in a negative light.

Our capacity to see the opportunity in risk is defined by our personality, emotional strength, experience and our resilience. Managing risk successfully is a fine balance of all those qualities, lacking one or more can give us an over inflated view of our abilities resulting in risky behaviour.

It was the latter condition that was of concern for my traveling companion, Bette. The founder of Highbanks Society, Bette works with young mothers who may be there because of risky behaviour. Bette feels the challenge guiding young moms to make better decisions and see the consequences of their actions. It was especially poignant for Bette as one graduate of their program had taken on a job as a bicycle courier in downtown Calgary.

The young girl had only seen the opportunity in taking the risk not evaluating the cost of the risk as it related to being a mother, Bette was reflecting on all the life experience that suggested otherwise. The older we are the more we rely on our experiences and what we have learned through them. A challenge I have often heard in working with younger people is simply they have yet to benefit from experience and the learning that can come from it.

Recognising some personalities are drawn to the risk of experience more than others and providing an outlet for it is the basis of experiential learning programs. Providing a supportive environment for experimentation, reflection, adjustment and repetition is where we learn what our capacity and resilience for risk is. Experiential learning is also the foundation for leadership and team learning programs with horses.

Risk and opportunity are two things that go hand in hand working with horses. However, horses make it very clear that when you step too far outside our own comfort zone they rarely are willing to pick up the slack. Knowing how far you can go to push the boundary is where change happens, where the idea of taking a risk becomes a reward in itself.

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 by Nancy

“let the horse leave at the pace they want, they will come home at the speed you want.” cowboy wisdom

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 by Nancy

“If a person prepares ahead of time,
then he has lots of time to get the job done. But if you wait until the last moment, sometimes it’s too late.” Ray Hunt“

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 by Nancy

Is there a Drama Queen on Your Team?

Ever worked with a drama queen? You know the one who has a knack for creating a crisis or constantly seems to be at the epicentre of chaos?

My drama queen? A 16 year old female, the key difference just might be, my drama queen is a horse. Despite the years of experience, wisdom and leadership skill I have gained, Zoe is very good at sucking me into her emotional vortex. Always ready to teach me something new, Zoe pointed out my default to manager when she most needed, a confident and clear leader.

It was a familiar ride down a road we have traveled a thousand times, yet every bush, sound and falling leaf became a serious distraction. I was so busy managing all the “Ya But’s” and “OMG’s”, we surely would be in a froth by the time we hit the small stand of aspens a kilometer into the ride.

As the emotion of frustration rose in me – it dawned on me, Zoe was doing exactly what she ALWAYS did, and I was responding just as I always had. I was so busy managing and worrying about another exhausting ride that I was blind to what I was doing in the moment.

Thinking back on all the clinics, horsemanship tips and leadership knowledge I have gained over the years, many things came to mind. The thought that rang true “the horse will keep you busy if you don’t keep them busy”. It was my job to get her focused – I had to have a clear vision for both of us. I had to give her something more compelling to help her be successful. As I started asking questions, the frantic jig turned into sidepassing, backing and repeating patterns. We stopped, teetered back and rolled over on the haunches each task bringing us ever closer to that terrifying stand of trees. The occasional distraction reappeared, but when her head bobbed up and neck stiffened I found something new for her and we started the whole process again.

The ride that began feeling like I needed every ounce of my strength, was changing. As Zoe started to see a purpose to my requests she engaged with her responsibilities. She started finding the answers to my questions with less and less effort. The ride became less like work and more enjoyable, for both of us. We were beginning to dance to the same tune.

In the midst of that foreboding stand of trees I could feel her look to me for direction. With the lightest go forward request, we moved off. From the road we traveled onto the quarter section stubble field. We circled at a walk, trot and a lope, the open space no longer daunting. She was soft, we backed turned and then the biggest reward of all, we walked home, loose reins swinging in time with her stride.

As a manager she had kept me busy, as a leader I was able to help her focus and together we accomplished far more. Here’s to recognising the drama queen on your team can actually help you be a better leader!

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 by Nancy

“Don’t kill the freshness and desire to please in your horse. Don’t lose your own sense of humor or make what you are doing look like work. Don’t take yourself too seriously.” Dominique Barbier

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